How Not to Act on a Plane

I have taken a flight or two in my life and by that I mean, a lot. There are a few things that send me into overdrive while trapped in a flying tin can and they are mostly based around my fellow passengers. Now, I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty damn close so here’s my list of things that one should never do on a plane:

  1. Be Ignorant to the Flight Attendants. So this seems self explanatory but I’m going to go into it anyway. Recently on a flight, with 12 rows, 1 bathroom and 1 flight attendant, I listened to a girl yell at her during the safety speech. Every other sentence I heard this early 20 year old yell back “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” If you’ve flown before you could probably recite the whole thing, but that’s not the point. It’s just rude. STOP IT. I turned around and threw shade that could have covered Texas. Thankfully the girl stopped, but not for long. You’re an adult. Act like it.
  2. Make Ebola/crashing/bomb jokes. These jokes are not funny. Therefore they are not jokes. Jokes, are funny.
  3. Being overly loud. I get it you want to talk to whoever it is that you’re with, and yes the engine itself is rather loud, but I don’t need to hear every word of every story for the duration of the flight. Oh, and if my headphones are in and I can still hear you, you are clearly too loud.
  4. Encroaching past the arm rest. Yes, we are sitting close, but keep your elbow on the armrest, not in my seat.
  5. Sprawling into the aisle. People are trying to walk. Move your bag/foot/jacket/ whatever into YOUR seat. The aisle is not part of your seat.
  6. Putting all of your bags in the overhead. I had this conversation with another passenger just recently when we were told we needed to check our wheelie carry-ons at the gate. We were both incredibly confused. Turns out that each passenger apparently decided to put their wheelie, diaper, purse, EVERY bag into the overhead. You get one carry on and a personal item. If your personal item is a diaper bag, squeeze your book or tablet in it and stick it under your feet. I carry a giant purse that’s bigger than me as a purse when I travel and guess where it goes? Under my feet. I’ve brought a knitting bag on trips, my tablet went into that bag. There’s only so much space, share the wealth.
  7. Getting drunk and belligerent. You are not cute. You think you’re having fun, but really you’re being obnoxious and this also goes back to number 1 and number 3.
  8. Being rude to your fellow passengers. I didn’t do anything to you. I’m sorry you’re having a crummy day/ flight/ life but I didn’t cause it, so please don’t take it out on me.
  9. Forgetting your headphones and thinking it’s at all ok to play whatever you want out of the speakers on your tablet/laptop. It’s not. That’s it.
  10. Not tending to your asshole kid. I get it kids cry, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the kickers, the runners, the yellers. Those kids are being assholes and as their parents it is your responsibility to reign them in. Not mine, not the flight attendants, yours.
  11. Kicking the chair in front of you. Especially if you’re an adult. YOU KNOW BETTER.
  12. Wearing overwhelming scents. We are about to be in a confined area with recycled air for the duration of this flight. Please wear deodorant, or even better take a shower, but your grandma perfume and aftershave bath can stay at home.
  13. Asking me to pray with you. I don’t want to be that rude bitch who has to tell you no. And unfortunately, I will be, mostly because I don’t want the plane to be struck by lightening just in case, so please don’t put me in that awkward situation. It’s really not good for either of us.
  14. Trying to get it on in the bathroom. Why? I mean really, why? Why is this appealing? Aside from being the most uncomfortable place to have sex, it’s pretty high on the list of the most unsanitary as well. Just, EW.
  15. Pulling on the seat on front of you when you get up. I get it, you may need to stand at some point but why must you jerk my chair back in the process? Can’t you just stand up if you’re on the aisle or slide over? This surprise whiplash is the most uncomfortable thing and will do nothing but irritate the person in front of you. Not to mention, I know that you also hate it when someone does it to you.

I guess the nutshell of this whole list is that we are all traveling. While we may not be having the best experience please just try to act like a normal, moderately decent human being and everyone around you won’t want to throw you into the clouds.

Now, if you’re trying to piss everyone off then do each and every thing on this list from start to finish. I promise no one will like you. Particularly me.

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